I was reading a book on business. It is composed of twelve chapters. Each is an interview with a business leader or academic. The first chapter is about disappointment and how we deal with it.
Disappointments are facts of life. They are as common as birth, death and taxes. However, we never learn how to deal with disappointment. As children we fall down and are told, “Boys don’t cry.” Girls are told even more so not to feel their disappointments.
We are taught denial from early on. Especially in this country (USA) we are taught to have positive thinking. We have seen the Secret or heard of similar ideas. We know that we are on some level responsible for everything that happens to us. This can even lead to New Age Guilt. We are sick. We come down with cancer and we feel guilty because “we caused it because we were negative.”
Phooey (I was going to use a much stronger word but my boss may not like it) on that type of thought. I hope to God I never get cancer. But if I do, I’ll scream and grieve and do all sorts of things before accepting it.
Do not get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with positive thinking and having a great attitude. The point is that you need to acknowledge your disappointments first and then see what has to be learned and then how you can grow from the disappointments of life.
In the books they talked about how Winston Churchill’s disappointments in World War One (he was the First Lord of Admiralty) led to strengthening of his character and allowed him to become such a leader in World War Two.
People of character change disappointments into opportunities for growth. They allow time for grieving and then pick themselves up and move on learning the lessons and do not blame themselves or others.
Related Blogs
- Related Blogs on Change disappointments into opportunities for growth
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When you have a success it is important to acknowledge your victory.
Getting yourself a gift, symbolically ritualizes your accomplishment. The gift need not cost a lot.
When you buy yourself a gift, it is truly the thought that counts. Add a card and write the occasion of your achievement. Keep this card handy to remind you of your success.
And while you are about it remember to add each achievement to the list of your successes and do review and read that list often.
So whenever you have a victory large or small get yourself a gift and boost your self-esteem by celebrating the success. As you acknowledge your achievements, you’ll notice that you become more competent in whatever you do and you’ll get into a positive (virtuous) cycle of increasing your self-esteem giving you more victories which will give you more occasions to celebrate, give you more self confidence…
And so it goes…
And that’s the best way for it to go…
Up, up, and away…..
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It is impossible to feel depressed when one has the physiology of being happy. And the same is true that if you adopt the body language of depression you will feel depressed.
As we have stressed, want a happy mind/body/soul/spirit put on a happy face. In this case remember a time when you felt very confident, feel the feelings you had and take the posture you had when you felt very confident. Very soon your mood follows your body and you will be very confident.
When you feel and act confident and assume physiology of success, you’ll boost your self esteem and be able to reduce your stress level and get into a positive cycle (opposite of a vicious cycle).
You can practice changing your mood by changing your physiology and make it an automatically triggered event. When you practice this say a key phrase of your choice to yourself. Soon the phrase alone will trigger the change of posture and the feelings of confidence. The phrase may be something like “I am number one,” or “Self-esteem now,” or “Relax confidently.”
So when you may feel anxious, take a deep breath, stand up tall with head erect, say your key phrase affirmation and boost your self-esteem. Now put on a huge smile and feel even better. Game on, you are ready to face anything.
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There’s a teaching story about an island on which there were no mangoes. On day a cargo ship was thrown about on a storm. The ship went through the harsh ocean safely. However, a crate of mangoes fell into the ocean and landed on the island shore.
The islanders who had never seen any mangoes were curious and a group of their scientists examined some mangoes. They cut them up, dissected them, analyzed the mangoes and discovered facts, and facts and facts about the mangoes.
A second group looked at the mangoes. They noted their looks and painted them. Some of this group wrote beautiful poems about the mangoes. An yet a few others made sculptures of the mangoes large and small.
Finally a tiny group of the islanders first smelled the wonderful odor of the mangoes, then they felt the skin and decided that they were edible and finally bit into the mangoes and ate them.
In reality there is a little of each of the three above ways of understanding things in each of us:
- The scientific/analytical way.
- The artistic/romantic way.
- The third experiential way.
I’m not saying that the experiential way is always the best. In fact a little of all the three ways is needed for a complete understanding. It is just that most people use one of the first two ways and we do not typically “suck it and see.” We talk too much and do not use direct experience enough.
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In many languages the word breath and spirit are the same or have the same root. In Genesis the Creator gave breath spirit to the clay and gave life to humanity (Adam). We use the term inspiration (to breath in) because over the years people have learned the connection between the breath and the mind.
On a previous post we suggested you smile for no reason and explained the unity of the mind/body — body/mind.
One of the best ways of affecting one’s mood and one’s self esteem is through changing one’s physiology. For the next few posts we will write about other methods of boosting one’s self confidence and self-esteem through simple changes of one’s physiology:
Many meditations, hypnosis, relaxation and other forms of stress reduction begin with breathing deeply.
So next time you feel harried, stressed take ten deep breaths. This one method of stress management and mood elevation is cheap, quick and extremely effective. Moreover (so long as you do it slowly – you don’t want to hyperventilate) there are no nasty side effects (like drugs).
By taking deep breaths we increase blood oxygen and relax the mind/body. Breath in through the nose and hold your breath in as long as you can remain comfortable. Now exhale slowly through the mouth. If you are alone you can make a “Haaaaaa” sound as you breath out.
These ten deep breaths can prepare you for: mental activity; tackling a difficult inter-personal relationship; self-hypnosis; meditation; guided meditation/visualization; sports; sleep. The list is endless.
One of the times that this exercise is extremely useful is when you get angry. Just delay any action until you have taken your ten deep breath and you will discover that your anger has diminished or totally disappeared.
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Seventy percent of the earths surface as well as seventy percent of our bodies is water. We need hydration on the inside and outside. Both drinking enough water and washing our skins reduce the effects of stress on the body.
To hydrate your skin you can have a bath or shower. There is, however, a difference between taking a bath and showering.
Each have their wonderful relaxing effects. They are both great to reduce your stress.
When you soak in a bath, you relax your muscles and can rest allowing the water to soak away your concerns and troubles.
On the other hand, the shower may massage your muscles and refresh the pores of your skin. In the East they believe that running water is a source of vital biological energy (prana or chi).
As you take your shower, visualize receiving this vital energy and allowing all negativity to be washed away. If you want, sing, hum, whistle while you forget about all your daily concerns.
One good thing you can do is to change the shower temperature from hot to cold and back to hot. There are some showers which can do this automatically. Also other showers have different settings which massage you. But any running water is fantastic.
I suppose among other things showers remind us of our ancestors when they would shower under natural water falls.
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We all need to learn from others who have gone before us. A mentor already has been where we want to go and can point the way. Now you might wonder where you may get your mentor(s). Often you might find someone at work, school, university. Often a family member may make an excellent mentor. In today’s world you may find a mentor on Internet through email.
Most of my mentors, I have never met but they mentor me through their books, videos, audios and other works.
I hereby thank the following mentors and many others that I have no doubt forgotten. Here is a list of the mentors would stand out in my mind:
My father Dr. G.R. Hashtroudian and my mother Motahareh Hashtroudian
Rumi – (Mulana Jalal-E-Din-E Rumi)
Plato
Dalai Lama
Milton H. Erickson
C.G. Jung
Virginia Satir
Tad James
Richard Bandler
Tony Robbins
Gerald Kein
Dave Elman
Sir Dereck Barton
Sir Ernst B. Chain
I want to give special mention to the last two who were great Nobel prize scientists who were among my professors when I was doing my undergraduate and postgraduate studies at Imperial College in England. Unfortunately at the time I did not appreciate them as much as I do now. It was the late sixties and I was young and full of myself. However, even in spite of myself I learned a huge amount from these two brilliant scientists.
Then there are my wonderful teachers our cats who teach me so much about unconditional love and ethics. For example when one of our cats was suffering and in great agony we allowed him to die with dignity. If we are so kind to our animals out of love, surely we can be kind to ourselves too. I know I don’t want extreme medical intervention to lengthen my life if the quality of life no longer exists.
It is also never too late to have mentors and your mentors may be much younger than you. Just now I’m looking for an expert Internet marketing expert to mentor me. In return I’m ready to do life coaching and other hypnosis work.
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Today is the Twelfth Day of Christmas; or as some of you may know it, “Little Christmas” — the traditional day of the Coming of the Magi, who came bearing gifts, simply, and quietly, recognizing the Miracle before them.
For some of you, the remembrance of the holiday lingers as you tuck away the last of the decorations, clean the refrigerator, or perhaps see evidence of the season reflected in the mirror. Your mail carrier’s stack of Christmas card greetings slowly morphs into, well, greetings of another kind.
Yes, you did your part to help the economy. No doubt about it. The light of day slowly is returning and life moves on. But before it does, on this the last day of the holiday season, the sixth day of 2010, our wish for you is that you have a fruitful year, one that brings you small and large miracles, and in doing so rekindles your spirits, intensifies your life, and deepens your commitment to helping others.
Sometimes, as you know, our faith in humankind gets renewed in simple but meaningful ways.
Do you remember the request put out at Thanksgiving time for the lady who needed a home for her two cats? Some of you responded in touching ways. You contacted your friends, gave suggestions, and even said a prayer or two. That was meaningful in and of itself. Thank you so much for extending your care, your concern, your love….
Certainly all of us know there are bigger and “more important” needs out there. Who can deny that? Ironically, sometimes it’s exactly these “little” things that carry with them the seeds of hope for all of us.
It seems to me that if enough of us care about the little things, you know, the “less important things” and take action, rather than dismiss them because there are bigger needs out there (yet notice, these bigger things are “too big,” too overwhelming for us, so nothing much tends to get done) then we have accomplished something important.
Miracles do happen. They aren’t reserved for just the big and important things, the big and important people. And sometimes miracles come at the last minute, when everything seems hopeless. They come simply and quietly. When they do, they touch our spirits and renew our sense of faith and hope.
And the cats? Every avenue was explored. Every contact exhausted. Hope flickered. A miracle was needed. Nothing else was left. Here, at the end of the holiday season, when “good-will” tends to wane, at the last moment, unbelievably a couple came into the shelter, and simply and quietly, picked those cats to adopt from among the others.
A little miracle? To me it was great!
“Expect a miracle,” someone said. They do happen. Look for them in your life this year, they will be there. In all sizes!
Here’s to a miraculous year! We hope you will share your stories with us!
Dr. Elaine Kindle & Associates
Life Focus Center
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Continuing the transfere of old posts to the blog:
Your mind will answer any questions you pose. It does not ask if the question is true or false. It just comes up with some answers.
Thus if you ask, “Why do things always go wrong for me?” You will get a thousand and one reasons why things always go wrong for you. Now your mind is concentrating on all the negative things in your life – a few real but mostly imagined.
Now you are on a vicious cycle going downhill. When you see the world through dark glasses you see a gloomy world.
Now if you ask, “How come I’m so lucky?” You will come up with many reasons why you are lucky. You will now notice your successes and these will increase.
So here are a few good questions:
- What can I do today to move toward my goals?
- Where is the opportunity in this apparent problem?
- How can I manage my weight while feeling satiated and happy?
- What is the learning here?
- How can I increase my happiness simply while having fun?
- How can I improve my relationship with my partner?
Note most good questions are how questions and not why questions. Even a question like “Why am I so lucky?” is not a good question, since your brain will just answer it without giving you an action plan. You will feel much better than asking, “Why am I so lucky?” A much better question may be, “How can I improve my luck?”
If you ask tht question it is good to remember this definition:
Luck is when opportunity meets preparation.
Make up your own unique questions to help you with your unique situation.
I want to acknowledge one of my mentors, Tony Robbins, for teaching me about the power of questions. Tony suggests coming up with five motivating questions for yourself. Write these questions on an index card and read them each morning as soon as you wake up and the last thing at night. This will get your mind thinking along the right lines to create the right answers for you.
So go ahead ask the right questions and the answers will come.
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In the years 2000 and 2001 I wrote a series called 365 ways to boost you self esteem. I would add a short article every day. I suppose it was really a blog but I was not using a blogging software. I’m slowly transferring as many of the seven hundred posts to the blog from the main Life Focus Center site. The bit about the computer glitch refers to the year 2000 when each post had to be written on the local computer and then uploaded to the web site. Also the idea for the series was to have one post per day:
Remember the earlier you do something when you realize you are late, the better off you are.
We had a slight computer glitch on the day this segment was supposed to go out, and it would have been very easy to just delay the next segments until the problem was solved.
We could have said, “What’s the difference between one day and three? We will do it when we can.” Then the next day it would have been even easier to delay and procrastinate after all the difference between four days and three is much smaller than that between one and three. And eventually you say never mind.
I know that used to happen to me when I was supposed to phone someone. I would get late, then later and eventually I would be too ashamed to phone my friend. This not following through ends up lowering your self esteem as you teach yourself that you re the type of person who procrastinates tasks to oblivion.
So the best time to recover from a delay is as early as possible.
Along the same lines remember that when aiming for a goal, one fumble is only a warning that you are off target and need to change your approach.
Remember an important aspect of goal achievement is the understanding that there is no such thing as failure (unless you give up) there are only results which you can use as feedback to let you know what action to take next.
Thus there are many people who stop smoking and then six months later in a moment of extreme stress smoke a single cigarette and they immediately see themselves as smokers once more. The correct attitude would be to accept the given events and learn better ways of coping with stress and continue remaining a nonsmoker.
So if you end up being late take action as soon as possible and boost your self-esteem.
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