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Forgiving while still standing for your rights

This post was written by DoctorJay on April 29, 2009
Posted Under: assertiveness, forgiveness

Those of you who know me or those who have been to my seminars or to this website a lot know that forgiveness is the linchpin of all my work. I have already mentioned that there is an issue of how to forgive while you are still being assertive. It is important to be assertive even though and at the same time as you forgive.

At the end of last year I bought a very expensive internet based software product which was not working and I tied to give it back and get a refund the company refused to do so and I have been disputing the charge on my credit card. So for my credit card company has not supported me in spite of the fact that I sent them numerous proofs that I did not receive what I bought.

It is nearly the end of the line that this dispute. I have done everything in my power to prove my case. I have provided the credit card company all the data that I have to prove that the company I bought a product from did not deliver what they had promised.

However, my credit card company which is associated with a large Detroit car company, one of the big three, seems to support their cardholders as much as the car company supported their car owners.

I have been forgiving the person and the company involved while at the same time I was standing from my rights. So the question is how do you forgive while you’re standing up for your own rights?

I was listening to an audio last night and in this spiritual audio the author (Dr. Jonathan Parker – one of my many mentors) talked about the fact that you need to love and send love to everyone. I believe this is a very good idea and helps you to forgive.

This morning I was thinking that nobody in the world does something wrong on purpose. Everybody justifies all their actions. For example Dale Carnegie said in his seminal book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” even Al Capone in his own mind thought that he was public benefactor number one, not the public enemy number one.

So when it comes time to forgive, understand that: you are not the target; that person who harmed you did not seek you out to harm; that like a scorpion who drowned in when he stung the frog who was carrying him to the other side of the pond, it is his nature, that person cannot help himself.

Previously I have used the metaphor of a two-year-old burning her hand on a stove and how she would learn not to burn her hand again. How she would not want to have revenge on the stove. She wouldn’t hold it in for the rest of her life saying, “I am damaged now because the stove burned my hand.”

Still in the same way when you need to forgive while being assertive first of all do your best to stand up for your right. This is the equivalent of putting salve on the child’s hand which was burned. At the same time the forgive the person who has harmed you.

Learn all the lessons needed from the experience. For example I will make sure I’ll read any contract that I sign from the beginning to the end – including the small print.

If I had only read the contract, I would not have got myself in this situation. So that is one lesson that I learned. I have to thank the person who harmed me for this lesson. I have bought many much more expensive things (houses, cars) without reading the contract word for word.

In fact one of the good ways of reframing such issues is to look at anyone who was harmed you as one of your angels. They are in reality one of your best teachers. Many times this is going to be very difficult to believe and accept. I am just putting it out there think about….

So send love and forgiveness to the person you need forgive and it is up to you if you want to avoid the person or at times after you do your forgiveness and enough time has passed, with friends and relatives, you can get back together we can be friends again.