“If you leave the convent, your life will be a disaster. You’ll end up on the streets. And if you tell anyone, you will scandalize them. You are NOT allowed to tell.” - Mother Superior
Our Superior General made a declaration of how our future would be beyond the invisible walls of the convent. A frightening proclamation, likely aimed to keep us there, in line. Some of us left anyway. Over the years, I did not tell. Obedience or fear? When we keep an important chunk of our lives to ourselves, we hide who we are, we feel shame or embarrassment. We cannot move to the fullness of being who we were meant to be. Such is the nature of trauma. Stuck in time.
Years later I realized that intellectually, still I hesitated to talk. What if people were shocked? What if they expected different behaviors from me, the “nunny” kind? What if they rejected me? I had, after all, experienced such reactions in earlier days when I first attempted to speak. But we come to a time in our lives, if we are lucky, when we say, ‘Enough is enough.’ I wondered why do we stay in situations that just don’t seem to fit? Why do we hold on, hoping, ever hoping, that the next step will make it work? When do we know that enough is enough? And why do we silence ourselves?
As these memories pour forth, I recognize that many people of any age, religion, career or lifestyle can connect with basic threads of emotion that run through these events. When we share our lives, we can help one another to know we are not alone in our experiences, our reactions, and our searches. Many changes occurred in many convents since that time. Still, some hang on to the old ways.
These stories are but part of my experience… Time filters memories, so what remains is a blend of history muted by time. Names and some circumstances have been changed to protect anonymity. Writing these stories, my stories, on paper is my attempt to understand more fully, to have courage, to take a leap of faith, and in doing so, hopefully others will feel they are not alone, and that, in mutual connectedness, all of us can move forward to value our experiences for what they are and what they were and in doing so, to live more authentic lives.